I always thought my sadness was so great each time I got a negative pregnancy test or my period would come when I thought that had to be the month.
But being told your baby did not make it--that is stopped growing 4 weeks earlier--having to have a D&C, and dealing with this emotional aftermath is worse--much worse. If I am not crying, I am on the verge of tears. If anyone makes a mention of it, I get teary eyed. I can read an e-mail of condolence but face to face and cannot hold it in. I fear going back to work--so far I have kept myself pretty isolated.
The thing that got Justin was the day after the D&C. I had heavy bleeding and cramping and we went back to the doctor. He did an ultrasound to check my uterus. It was filled with blood clots which was normal due to the HCG still in my system. Only weeks before on that screen we saw a little flutter of a beating heart and then there was nothing. Seeing the absence of a baby was too much to bare.
I was back at the doctor's office today for a follow up. My levels are steadily going down--HCG measured 30.5, so it is getting closer to zero. Once at zero, my body is supposedly ready to go again. I think I need to wait for one regular cycle before we give the frozen embryos a try. I will not get any pathology reports from the D&C tissue for another 5 weeks. I see the doctor again in about a week and a half. In the meantime, I want to get acupuncture to help get my body and cycle back on track.
I don't think my family reads this blog so I will continue to spill my guts here.
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5 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby last Thanksgiving. It was really the worst thing in the world, but I can tell you a year out there is much healing. I even held a little baby yesterday. I also have PCOS and it took much medical intervention to concieve my first (who is 3). Good Luck!
Don't worry about going back to work...just have Princess Frosty Locks break some knee caps :)
But in all seriousness...you can do it and make it through it. It will be difficult, so just rely on the people you trust to help you out.
Sarah, I'm so sorry. Can you take a leave of absence for a while? Take care of yourself so you can be ready for the next time (this happens very frequently with first pregnancies - I recently had two friends go through it, with both of them having healthy babies not long after). Sending good thoughts.
Hi Sarah. I am sorry for your loss. I did not realize you went through this until I checked your blog today. I too, had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks before I had two healthy preganancys. It was scary and sad, but I made it through stronger than ever. Take care of yourself first and the rest will follow. Traci
My heart breaks for you, I know how much the baby meant to you and Justin. I am soryy that I am not closer, Im here if you need me day or night!
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