Just need to get it out.

In 7 days, Justin and I will be in Hawaii and I am really looking forward to it, but the crap just keeps coming.

Justin's father, Dale, has cancer. 7 montha ago, Melisa, Justin's sister, talked Dale into trying to fight it, so he did chemotherapy. So far, this has stopped progression but it is not better and the reality is, it is terminal. Now he is tired of fighting and has stopped the chemo. Justin has not has the greatest of relationships with his dad--Justin feels like an outsider to the family because he was adopted by Dale when Dale and Beckie got married. He is questioning whether he was a good son. He wants to hear is dad say that he loves him. I don't know if Justin will get what he needs before his dad passes away, but I really hope he does. It is so hard on Justin--he does not deal well with death. He draws inward. I feel impotent in helping him get through this.

And then there are my issues which hit me today for some reason. I should be giving birth to my first child--a boy--6 weeks from today and I am still having a really hard time with the loss. I should have a big round pregnant belly, but I don't. I should feel my little boy moving inside me, but I don't. I am just so sad.

So today was the last day of school and already I am not looking forward to next year. My position as librarian has been eliminated, though I will still be expected to fulfill that role. I will still be the manager of the school's textbooks. And in addition to this, I will take on a new role: Curriculum Technology Integrator. Basically a coordinator of technology prfessional development. It is a short-sighted decision on the part of my district. I will do the three jobs as best I can but I don't think I will do any one of them especially well. We will see how it goes. I anticipate being streched way too thin--I am feeing it already.

OK, there is my depressing post. sorry.